Wednesday, August 7, 2013

My Best Negotiation Class

                                       My Best Negotiation Class

The semester is soon going to begin. It feels like a mammoth army is going to invade my cozy world of isolated, deserted and sunny Ithaca, long evening walks, empty college town, quiet Iftaar parties at Annabel Taylor Hall, youtube movies and exciting field visits in Tompkins County.

Suddenly, the environment seems to be charged with a lot of energy, anxiety of course' selections and job hunts. Even the temperature seems to be getting a bit cold in the last few days. Contrary to my nature, even I am forcing myself to accept these changes in the ivy-league world of U.S., pretty much like a laid back feudal lord, reluctantly making his peace with newly established democracy after a people’s revolution. Last night, I was pondering over my courses for this semester i.e. fall 2013 and the list included a course in negotiations. About ten years back courses like negotiations, food policy, gender development etc would have been brushed off as good topics for writing essays and newspaper articles. Even know in my home country India and, in my cognitive existence, it is a bit difficult to accept anything beyond History, Geography, Economics and Philosophy as subjects. So, when I get to hear things like ‘Masters in Communication Management’, Masters in Post-Modern Transgender Studies’, 'Diploma in Negotiations', I find myself kind of ‘clueless’ and deprived of my ‘space’ and ‘time’ coordinates for a while.

Anyways, when I was thinking about the course structure of negotiations class, I had no idea of what it would it would be like. But, then something happened, which ordinarily happens in the books of magical realism. I was reminded of my best negotiation class. What could one feel, when in the middle of making a nerve-racking decision of choosing between statistical software programs like Stata and Metlab, one gets a flash of the petite, sun scorched, dull greenish parrot, which you wanted to catch when your old grandmother sitting beside you with her rosary in one of the quiet afternoons of your childhood, but, it flew away into the reddish horizons of the dusk, beyond the muddy waters of your village pond. That one flash will be an absolute bliss of childish innocence for me. That flash of my best negotiation class was just like that elusive, mystic parrot, which in spite of its ordinariness in all aspects of its being, was still sitting deep in my heart.

I was transported to the land where there were no Public Policy schools with their ‘core courses’ and ‘concentrations’, no balls and prom nights, no sky-scrappers of New York city and senators of Washington D.C. I travelled miles across the seas and in less than a fraction of a second, I was in the remote, isolated, small district in the deserts of Rajasthan (India). The district was known as Kalore (Names have been changed).

Before, I begin with my negotiations class, I feel like writing something about the district itself. It was a sleepy, old town with a robust and historical fort whose walls had almost turned black while romancing with the winds of time. It was said that Khalji muslim(12 cent. A.D) rulers had once attacked that fort with all their might, lust, deceit, greed and of course chivalry. They could not open the gates of the fort for days on end, as it was the strongest fort in region, beating even the then fort of Kandhar in strength. Finally, a local muslim converted Rajput landlord Kunwar Dagabaaz Muhammad Chauhaan showered a word of wisdom on Khalji Sipah Salaar( army captain). He advised him to grow Rai along the ramparts of the fort. Rai grew up in a night and in turn weakened the walls of the fort. Next day the Rajputs were left with bare minimum resources, unmatchable valor and the blessings of Goddess Bhawani (Mother goddess in Hinduism) as long as they did not look back while fighting (Rajput king claimed that goddess had promised him to bless them as long as he did not look back in the fight.) But how long could they last with the promises made in dreams, in front of chicanery, deceit, endless army and sleezy lust for women and wealth, strongly backed by the spirit of jihad and complete disregard of human values, morals and war-codes.

 Kalore of 2004-05 was a small city of less than 50,000 inhabitants which included a bunch of pious and well-known Hindu ascetics with tremendous social and political clout. One, who was the eldest and the most revered one, was Guru Maninath Ji. There were lots of rumors about him like he turned into a ferocious tiger in the night, with rudraksha( a sacred tree, symbol of shiva) tied around the neck. Another rumor that was doing the rounds was that he fed about 300,000 monks in the grand fair of Kumbha (sacred fair of Hindus) with his supernatural powers. His ashram (house of the ascetic with a temple in the compound) had 30 elephants and 150 cows. Everyday about 400 people ate in his ashram.

Call it a rumor effect or general spiritual fervor of the people, but he was always surrounded by devotees who came from all castes, communities and religions. He himself was from a very low caste of Hindu society called saragadas (caste employed as palace guard) and many other monks in the area came from low castes like Devasis (shepherds). His devotees included big zamindars(landlords), Jain merchants from far-off places like Chennai and Mumbai, politicians, bureaucrats, common masses, local muslims etc. His sermons included very simple things like cultivating the virtue of devotion, vegetarianism, Surya-Namaskaar( Yogic exercise). One of his locally powerful pathan(muslims) devotee Yakub Khan Bahadur had even started a cow-protection committee in the district. Having seen all that, I just felt that a great socio-economic egalitarian movement was taking place, unheard of in the shell-like intellectual circles and media, spreading communal harmony and uniting people, transcending the barriers of caste and religion. This was something which the big NGOs formed by my page-3, high class stephanian batch mates and intellectuals of JNU( Great University of Delhi, and an intellectual hub, popular for its Marxist Culture and anti-establishment views) could not achieve.

The district had rajputs, Brahmins, jainas, chamars, saragdas and the surrounding areas had a good number of Gujjars(community that worked with animal rearing) and Vishnois (a local tribe). Superficially the town was quite peaceful but the still waters of Kalore ran deep. The sands of Kalore had the tremendous potential to generate storms of unimaginable violence and turbulence on some religiously or socially sensitive issue as these tribes were very sensitive about their religious beliefs and social customs.

Everything was fine,  peaceful and normal with intoxicatingly soporific tumblers of chach(buttermilk); lazy, deserted town with all animate beings slumbering through long, dull afternoons and, soul-quenching folk bhajans (religious chants) in the evening, until the Gujjar community in the state of Rajasthan started a supposedly peaceful state wide agitation, claiming reservation in the government jobs. All the district collectors (Administrative head of the district in India) wanted to keep the ‘gujjar headache’ away from their districts. They were using all time-tested instruments of statecraft to keep the storm away from their backyard but most of them failed. The collectors these days in India are unlike those British collectors who used to get the assignment of district head only after 15 to 20 years of experience in the state, which they utilized to fully understand the cultural, political and religious dynamics of the state. Hence, they had profound understanding of their people and state from strategic point of view. The collectors after independence were young lads who came after going through almost an year long tedious, boring and mind-numbing examination process. Some of these young lads were lured by money, some by the power of red-beacon (A sign of powerful, arrogant Indian bureaucracy) and some by the moth-eaten idealism of their Delhi alma maters and in worse cases they were forced by their greedy, materialist parents, in order to get a good dowry (A civil servant in India gets huge dowry). The district collector of Kalore, Mr. Abhijeet Sinha was one such young lad from Bihar, a state well-known for producing politicians like Laluprasad yadav ji and shrewd bureaucrats. He was inspired partially by ‘moth-eaten’ idealism emanating from his ‘post-modern’ girl-friend of South Delhi and partially by the desire for ‘power’ emanating from his middle-class utopias, made up of 'unbounded desires' guarded with the so-called ‘feasible’ and ‘pragmatic’ ethics.

He had kind of separated from his wife because of his ‘extra-loving’ nature and naughty eyes endlessly attempting to inject seduction in the opposite gender (good he did not become a doctor). His dull and humdrum life included long evening walks, tennis and watching Veena Malik(a hot Pakistani seductress who has all the potential to solve Kashmir dispute) in ‘Big Boss’( a cheap, porn reality show).

Besides him, there was another fellow in the town, who was much more interesting from the point of view of both, Public Policy and personality. He was an old police officer viz. Surendra Mohan Mishra, almost on the verge of retirement. He was the police superintendent of Kalore. He was my father’s batch mate and a distant relative too. When I first met him I was immediately reminded of my history Professor Avadh Narayan Thakur, who always sang in his characteristic Bihari nasal twang that Sher shah Suri(medieval ruler known for his administrative efficiency and deceitful nature) had the traits of fox and lion (as if it was class of hunting, rather than history). I could actually see the cunning shrewdness of fox and valor of tiger in Mishra ji's mysterious or rather 'mischievous' eyes, which would scan you in one glance.

He was a very interesting character, a perfect product of a country marked by feudal pockets and silicon valleys. Formerly an economist, so even in his police job he always came out as the smartest utilitarian and an opportunity cost expert. He was a huge, dark figure, with a signature bureaucratic baldness, a big laddu(a round big, Indian sweet) shaped face and petty rotund hands, sufficiently reflective of eroded morals, knowledge, softness and vestiges of the poor innocent childhood. He could always be seen chewing tobacco in a very rustic and rooted manner, in his leisurely moments. I must mention that he was ‘modestly’, ‘wisely’, ‘rationally’ and ‘humanely’ corrupt. Once, the district collector caught the traffic police constable Bhaira Ram Gurjar accepting Rs. 300 in bribe from a rich merchant’s son illegally crossing the signal. The collector ordered his suspension but Mishra ji just transferred him to small police station in the outskirts with a warning and hushed up the matter. When I asked him the rationale for his action he replied that this poor fellow with a monthly salary of Rs. 4000 was not doing much of a harm in accepting Rs 300 in bribe. Besides, he was doing the traffic duty in the heat of 45 degree celsius for 13 hours so by standards of the most stringent labor economics principles he was underpaid hence, one need not make a big issue out this poor man’s act of little greed.

I found him much more efficient, practical and social in administration than the so-called most honest officers whose only qualifications were to talk endlessly against the system and get transferred to useless postings like chief commissioner of state kabbadi society, Lalit Kala Akadami( Fine Arts Academy) . Mishra ji, by the sheer dint of his abilities and economics had made good system of networks and relations in the district. He was good friends with Guru Maninath Ji because his ashram (Monk’s house) offered the best kheer (rice pudding) and dal and rice. Maninath ji used to sent fresh green peas, grams and fresh ghee(clarified butter) extracted from cow’s milk to Mishra ji in Prasad( food offered by temple to devotees). Whenever any guest visited Mishra ji from his village, he would always take him to Maninath ji’s ashram for obvious economic reasons and paid real respect to his microeconomic soul. One another remarkable thing about Mishra ji was that he equally popular among the religious heads of different religions like Islam, Christianity despite himself being a hardcore vegetarian Brahmin. He was very secular in accepting laddus, sevaiyya(a sweet dish made on Id) and pan cakes from all the different religious heads.

 In spite of the unrest in rest of the state, things were going fine in Kalore, with Abhijit Sinha ji busy in his romantic adventures and Mishra ji with his laddus of different ashrams and different religions. Then suddenly, one day Gujjars in kalore declared that they will revolt and stage a demonstration in a peaceful manner. The gujjar police constables had switched loyalties because all of them were annoyed with the collector’s unjust behavior with constable Bhaira Ram Gurjar.

Abhijit Sinha and Mishra ji were getting worried as Mishra ji just had about 500 cops with him in the district. The rest of them had been sent to other strife-torn areas and there was no possibility of getting additional forces. Mishra ji was having a fearful intuition that there could be a violent agitation, considering the track record of Gujjars in the other districts, but the collector said that ‘bloody revolution’ needs training in the political philosophies of Marxism, modern social institutions, leadership of middle class intellectuals and strong support of peasantry, and these ‘bunch of idiots’ had no such institutional forces. Mishra ji could not make much sense of all that wisdom except that he was reminded a bit of his pseudo-idealist stephanian son talking of left wing radicalism whenever asked to make a career in civil services. He thought of something with which collector felt confident, normal, sane and comfortable, and asked, ‘sir what’s going on with Veena Malik in ‘Big Boss’?” The collector took a deep sigh of relief as if he had been brought home from empty, oxygen-less Mars. He lectured on Veena Malik’s curves for about an hour.

Meanwhile Bhaira Ram wanted to pay back to Mishra ji for a saving his job and salary. He was perplexed because he could not go against the decision of Gujjar Panhcayat( social decision making body of gujjar leaders) . So he appeared in the guise of a snake-charmer at Mishra Ji’s house at about 2:30 in the night and informed him that there was great rage and turbulence among the gujjars. He informed that there were plans of mass violent rebellion in which the local gurjar dacoit Zalim Singh was supplying all the arms and ammunition. They were also planning to bomb the police stations.

Next day, Mishra Ji told the entire story to the district collector. Collector ordered that in such a situation, he had all the authority to open lathi-charge and tear gas. Mishra ji just smirked and left. He was just wondering that how could he open lathi- charge on the mob of at least 40,000 rogues armed with assault rifles, crude bombs and swords, with just 500 cops at his command.

He then called up Maninath Ji, seeking an appointment. He went to Maninath ji with lots of grams and jaggery as his micro-economic soul did not permit him to buy cashews in devotion, which he kept for himself and his chivas regal. Maninath ji got happy with grams and jaggery and asked him the purpose of the visit. Mishra ji told him about the gujjar agitation and his fearful intuitions. Maninath ji was popular among the gujjars and he had blessed their movement. At first he was surprised and said that he had could not help as he had given his blessings to gujjars, to which Mishra ji replied, “but, I am also your little, innocent, harmless child who deserved blessings”. Maninath ji said, “since I have eaten your gur and jaggery  I have an obligation now and will have to do something to avoid coming in the next birth. I will ask gujjar delegation, which is going to officially report collector about the agitation, to meet you also for like, half an hour. Rest is up to you, your wits and innocence. My blessings are with you.”

Next day gujjar delegation led by Hukum Singh Bhadana, dressed in thick khadi barni(narrow jacket), kurta made of Mysori Paper silk and upturned green jutis( locally made shoes, a handicraft) from Bhinmaal( place famous for its shoe industry) went to meet collector. Hukum Singh Bhadana was a rich, hefty and powerful transporter who had strong political connections and an overwhelming social clout. Other members included Master Bhanwar lal Gurjar, a local schoolteacher, whose mind lived in samosas and revolutionary ideals as long as they were used to seek a salary hike and increase in dearness allowance from the government , and his brother Banwari lal Gurjar, a part time property dealer actively involved with Bajrang dal( local right wing outfit) youth politics. Both of them went to have samosas when the delegation was waiting for collector’s response. The brothers ate about 18 samosas with the green chilies.

 The collector refused to meet as he was busy explaining one of his Bengali batch mates in civil service, the ‘sustainable and postmodern take on sexual intercourse’. The conquest of voluptuous, arousing, seductive curves and almost maddening lips had almost prepared a stage for another Mahabharata (Hindu mythological story of devastating fight between brothers) in the district. The enraged and angry delegation then went to meet Mishra ji, as advised by Maninath ji.

Mishra ji had just finished his lunch, which was a great ceremony in itself. Last time, when I saw him at lunch he was with a 13 course meal which included multiple varieties of chutneys like coriander chutney, garlic chutney, tomato chutney, dals, riatas, green grams and a couple of other green ‘wild organic herbs’. His office was usually loaded with heavily explosive and toxic farts as reported by his Munshi(clerk). When the gujjar delegation entered the office, as usual the air-conditioned government office was laden with the moisture of most stinky farts in the cosmos. In one corner, was standing an old, haggard havildar(a police sargent) Takhat Singh with a white walrus like, upturned rajput mustache, trying to stuff his nose with all the possible options to avoid those lethal fumes, blessing the room. In the center of the room, Mishra ji was sitting, enjoying a juicy Alphonso mango, which had been sent by Mr. Ghevar Chand Singhvi, a local merchant. Mishra ji did not like the fact that Takhat Singh was protecting his nostrils from the ‘moisture-laden aromas’ so he ordered him to filter tobacco for him, which he quite reluctantly did, contracting his facial muscles and presenting a sight of rotten tomato. At this I could see the smile of satisfaction on Mishra ji's face. 

Mr. Bhadana was the first victim of those ‘moisture–laden aromas’. He was already in a very bad mood and the moment his nostrils were invaded by ‘heavenly fumes’ he opened a salvo of rustic abuses at ‘samosa brothers, their eating habits and digestion’ for polluting the atmosphere. He was ranting that mass movements are not led by ‘farters’. He called them a burden on earth and yelled that they could have behaved with proper hygiene in the government office, at least. The brothers shot back that they were not responsible for that heinous crime and that he was trying to blame them for something which he had done. In fact the revolt could have taken place right there, but for the statesmanship of Takaht singh that the ‘fart uprising’ was nipped in the bud. Mishra ji smirked as usually, as the ‘moisture-laden aromas’ got a few more victims and no one got to know the original sinner.

Then Mr. Bhadana roared, “We have come to inform the ruthless, inhumane and arrogant district administration that we are going to stage a rail-roko( stop the train) movement tomorrow in the outskirts of the city. All transport services will be stopped and supplies of milk and food items will be stopped.”  He started abusing the collector and called him an arrogant buffoon, at which Mishra ji again smirked and felt a tinge of strong ‘bureaucratic happiness’ which occurs when your fellow officer is mocked at. Meanwhile, Takhat Singh reported Mishra ji that about 100 protesters had been killed in police firing and 40 policemen had been butchered in the neighboring district by gujjars. This alarmed Mishra Ji. He now did not want to resort to firing as he just had 500 cops and he did not want to tarnish his service record, as he was thinking of a political career after retirement, by initiating a similar movement for his own community.

He got up, and once again the ‘stinky humidity’ increased in the room. He joined hands in supplication and addressed Mr. Bhadana, “ Hukum, Collector and all your ministers are big people but this little, poor, humble fellow is your younger brother. So, please sit down and grace the little garibkhana( poor man’s house) of your younger brother”. Mr. Bhadana had already been told by Maninath ji that Mishra ji was very efficient and ‘vyavharik’( wise, rational in pragmatic way, sometimes even at the cost of petty morals) and a very social officer. He had also heard about Mishra ji’s ruthless encounter of dacoits who had killed a few jain merchants. So, he was impressed with the humble nature and pleasing smile of such a high-profile and strongly connected police officer and felt honored and flattered by the government which was his ultimate desire, although the fumes were still making his neurons crazy.

Mr. Bhadana sat down and initiated the conversation regarding next day’s agitation but he was interrupted by Mishra ji saying, “Sir, all this, we can talk later also. First, please relax, and tell me what would you like to have? First time, the elder brother has come to my office and I cannot begin the conversation with the talk about agitation. This is very inauspicious.” Bhadana Saheb first refused but then agreed, as even he was hungry since morning. Mishra ji ordered hot jalebis, Imarti, gulab jamuns (all are Indian sweets), spicy samosas(Indian dumplings) with chilly sauce (the brothers looked at each other with divine happiness, the moment they sighted samosas), nicely-cooled and sliced alphonso mangoes. All this was followed by fried pakoras( spicy fritters) and special ‘pyaz ki kachori’(Onion dumpling) specially ordered from Jodhpur (nearby district famous for its sweets and kachoris). The whole delegation almost jumped upon the food. The whole scene looked an invasion of Bakasur(mythological demon who ate like huge amounts of food) and his beastly army of asuras(demons)

Then Mishra ji asked Mr. Bhadana to come home some time for dinner and described the special heeng( Indian spice with heavenly smell) dal(lentil soup)  and chiwda (a spicy flour stuff to munch with drinks) which he made and used to enjoy after two drinks of chivas regal. He then asked Bhadana ji about his kids. Bhadana ji told that his son was studying in Kota, for admission into engineering (In South Asia middle class parents are crazy about sending their kids to engineering, management and medical schools so that they can get employed with MNCs and earn a lot in dollars) and his daughter was preparing for an entrance into top management institute. When Bhanwar lal Gurjar(One of the samosa brother) heard about the ‘career-talks’, he did not waste a second in declaring, with a force that would almost trample upon every animate thing existing there,  that his son was a chartered accountant employed with Reliance and earning Rs. 400,000 per annum. His son’s achievement had become known in the remotest villages and was on the verge of becoming a folk lore and he left no stone unturned in denigrating others by lyrical rendering of his son’s success story. His son had almost become a cult figure, a boy with supernatural powers in 'accounting'. Bhawar lal ji never missed any opportunity to belittle Mr. Bhadana by mentioning his son Ratan lal’s achievement.

Mr. Bhadana made an angry face at Bhanwarlaal and put him back in his chair, saying that he should first take care of his radioactive vapors. He then asked Mishra ji about the good MNCs and the pay packages they offered. Mishra ji had almost done a Phd. in this kind of knowledge, like a bunch of other officers on the verge of retirement for whom this was favorite past time, since two his batch mates had sent their sons to IIM( A)( top management institute of India) Mishra ji told Mr. Bhadana that Barclays offered like Rs. 600,000 per annum and Accenture offered 100,000 dollars in its foreign assignments . He also mentioned about Boston Consulting Group offering 200,000 dollars per annum. Mr. Bhadana got enamored with those figures and started dreaming of his son as a wall street banker.

Mishra ji, then took a deep breath of a reasonable victory, and asked about the exact time of the agitation next day, to which Bhadana ji replied, “which is the best medical college in country and how much donation they take and if Mishra ji had any connections to get the admission done?”After that, Mishra ji gave the list of all such high-profile colleges and felt a great relief that things were on the right track. Suddenly, there was once again a whiff of obnoxious fumes, doing rounds in the room. This time, the fumes smelled a bit relaxed and easy. The moment they said hello to Bhadana ji’s nostrils, he turned back and stared at the ‘samosa brothers’ with his amber like eyes, burning with rage. The brothers, finding themselves in no position to prove their innocence, tried to hide themselves behind the chairs. Meanwhile, Mishra ji advised Bhadana ji to persuade his daughter to sit for civil service examination and also mentioned the assets of top 20 corrupt bureaucrats. It was the last stroke to break the camel’s back. Bhadan ji was absolutely overwhelmed with ‘younger brother’s’ best advise and, was almost in tears, imagining his daughter with all that wealth in an ambassador car with red beacon. He looked as if he was in a great hurry to rush home and strictly command his daughter to prepare for that ‘gold mine’. Mishra ji then made a passing reference to the revolt. Bhadana ji, while getting into his car, hurriedly asked Mishra ji, “Should we stage this protest? What is your advise? Since you are a brother so your advise is very important for gujjars now.”  Mishra ji, without taking a pause, shot back, as if he was doing all that hard work for that question, “Hukum, Your younger brother is just a petty cop, who had no audacity and status to advise a wise man like you but, I just wanted to inform you that youth leaders from your rival political group were planning to send their men with rifles in order to spark a police firing on peaceful demonstrators. The IB (Intelligence Bureau) has reported this. Sir, once firing will start, then I will have no option but to respond. We have got an additional force of 1200 cops from paramilitary groups!!!!!!!!( Mishra ji was famous for such tricks) I can take care of my jawans(cops) but you know how ruthless and bull-headed these paramilitary people are. They do not spare anyone in firing. In Bharatpur they mercilessly poured bullets in the 50 inches broad chest of the leader of the protesters. The poor fellow died and others fled”.

The names like IB, CID and CBI( intelligence departments) still carried a bollywood like aura in those parts of the country and ‘stages of one’s consciousness’, thanks to crime thrillers starring Amitabh and Mithun, and the remnants of terror invoked by British secret service, still dormant somewhere in the sub-continental consciousness. Mr. Bhadana, having heard this, was shivering in his shoes and ordered for lemon soda as he suffered from low blood pressure. He profusely thanked Mishra ji and was in tears while doing that for saving his life as he was planning to lead the demonstration, out of his ‘compassion’ for gujjar masses and a ‘LITTLE’ concern for better political future. He gave a warm ‘brotherly’ hug to Mishra ji and said that if not for you, I would have been the first person to be shot dead. The samosa brothers had already left, cursing the youth for lack of pragmatism and provoking such violent agitations, having heard those gory stories of paramilitary forces. Mishra ji spoke, in voice heavily laden with ‘emotions and wisdom of the refined statecraft’ , “ Sir it was my duty to save my brother’s life even if that happened at the stake of leaking out confidential information and risking my career”. While going back Bhadana ji bought some guide books on current affairs for his daughter.

Both, Mishra Ji and Bhadana Ji were at Maninath ji’s ashram at 2 in the night. Both these leaders, supported by Maninath ji convinced the gujjar panchayat to drop the idea of the revolt and save the district from communal tensions and violence. The remaining rogues of the youth brigade who were planning to bomb police stations, with the support of Zalim Singh dacoit, were arrested overnight at the orders of Mishra ji. While going back Mishra Ji requested Maninath ji to pack some laddus( as he could not resist the smell of ghee and cloves, invading his nostrils during the talks) as his blessings. Takhat Singh also got a box packed for himself (he always did that).

Next day, everything was normal with scorching loo winds, collector sahib going on a walk with a voluptuous batch mate for another conquest and Mishra ji enjoying his laddus and 13 course lunch, and Takhat Singh as usually trying to protect his nostrils from ‘toxic vapors’, in vain. In the evening Bhadana ji came to thank Mishra Ji and informed him that Gujjar panchayat had decided to honor him by a gold idol of Lord Hanuman for shooting this trouble(as Hanuman, the monkey God is worshipped as a troubleshooter), which Mishra ji, gladly accepted and immediately calculated its monetary worth. Bhadana Ji also gifted 10 air tickets to Mishra ji and his family for a visit to Bangalore, where Bhadana ji had, his farm house. While going, he asked Mishra ji about the best tuition center for civil services. He also cursed the main leaders of revolt and alleged them of spoiling the youth’s mental stability and future. He vigorously suggested that the youth should not indulge in such violence and should sit for civil service exams. 

After few days, Mishra Ji casually asked about Bhanwar laal ji Gurjar at which Takhat Singh replied with a monstrous laughter that after that meeting with the delegation, Bhadana ji had made those brothers popular as ‘farting demons’. He was reported to have devoted a lot of time and energy in spreading this piece of ‘knowledge’. Mishra ji just smirked feeling so happy about his lethal discovery and the sheer power of toxic vapors.

This was my best negotiation class in which I saw how a small, peaceful town was saved from loss of human life and property. If that mammoth revolt had occurred in Kalore, it would have taken a toll of at least 60 to 70 human lives. Most of the times, the public unrest arises due to arrogant, incompetent rulers and their poor statecraft. A good statecraft supplemented with a decent dose of humility can solve most of the problems.


Monday, August 5, 2013

Salim and Devika

                                                             Salim and Devika



My third story is about one of my classmates from my under-graduation days. His name was Salim Nuhani, but we all called him Sandy. He came from a very humble, lower middle-class background and wanted to make big in life. He was a fairly good cricket player but trusted his abilities and destiny, way too much. He thought that he would become, if not Sachin, then at least Irfan Pathan. But he was a great player in my college in, many different fields. In the cricket ground, the balls would follow his fingers like a snake dancing on the been (a flute like musical instrument used by snake charmers) and in the bed rosy lips and sensual curves would follow the magic of his eyes, like a hypnotized princess from Arabian nights.


His magic on the cricket field was his gateway to fame, glory, whisky and glamour in college. His dream was to play for IPL and join the league of glamorous cricketers going out with bollywood models. His motivation came from the riches associated with cricket, not from the thrill which one gets by playing for a country. A dusky Bengali girl, Devika, from South Delhi fell in love with Salim. Her father was a high profile civil servant with strong connections so Salim also found this relation a great opportunity to chase his dreams.  With that began his journey of parties, pleasure, weed and lust. Devika slithered into his life in such a discreet manner that his conscious self could never feel it. She became a tremendous life force controlling each and every thing in his life. Now his life was confined or rather stuck with just two things. First one was Devika and her seductive eyes and second one was the money and fame of cricket. In fact the 2nd one became the most important dream to be chased as Devika’s father would never marry her daughter to him unless he got selected in the national cricket team. But he trusted and relied heavily on the mysterious and seductive magic of Devika’s eyes. Devika’s obsession with Oscar Wilde, her renderings of  Romeo and Juliet and a burning sticks of Marlboro lights in her fingers had trapped Salim’s mind, body and soul.

 I had heard a lot about Bengali beauties and their witchcraft but never saw them in action. I was seeing Devika’s eyes and her witchcraft, which was absolutely amazing and even I had a strange fancy inside my heart to fall in such a trap and intoxication, but fortunately my fear of the unknown and the hidden Brahmin conservatism saved me (although I always claimed to be a Marxist).


With the passage of whisky and lust down his existent being, his performance on the field and bed both, began to decline but he tried his level best to get a birth in the national cricket team. Even then he could not succeed. After that his frustrations increased and with them, the dosage of weed and alcohol. But, with this increase, something decreased as nature is always about compensating and offsetting the imbalances. Devika’s visits and the number of poetic nights decreased. Her passion for Salim began to dwindle. Suddenly she found him a lustful maniac, a loser and an opportunist and also a very non-classy middle class, religious wastrel. One day Devika left for London to study Masters in Post-Modern Gender Development at London School of Economics. Salim had to be sent to a rehabilitation center. 


He is now, back to his home in old Delhi after two years. He is often seen with his Tableegi friends. Last time he was held by the police for distributing some hate pamphlets. He does not party anymore and mostly sitting in the local masjid with his rosary.  Devika has married Rodger Batliwala and is working with Oxfam.
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                                                                 The Real Story


These three stories sound very common place and peculiarly depicting the life of an ordinary middle-class Indian. Although, the characters come from a varied time and space contexts, they have some obvious similarities. The most interesting thread that runs through all three of them is the quest, a passionate desire to escape from the humdrum life and get into the alternate reality of riches, luxuries, happiness and stability. These are the stories of seeking a vent to another reality. These are the stories of dreams, hopes , constant torturing of one’s mind to the extent of imposing a different mental construct of reality and complete suppression of the real existence.


My question is that why, in India babas, bollywood and the balls never stop? Why do they regulate our social and political existence so much? Why do these things play the role which wahabism plays in the life of a new Al-Quaida recruit ?


Babas, bollywood and cricket are like opium in India. They are the safety valve. In a country, where there are millions residing, with always, and historically a ruthless, careless, callous, corrupt, degenerate ruling class, the ‘vents’ and ‘safety-valves’ have an extremely important role to play. The common man has to stand in line for hours to get a simple plot of land registered. He has to face every day inflation, land mafias, increasing socio-economic disparities. When one has to travel in  an overcrowded city bus, laden with the venomous mixture of sweat, bidi smoke, smelly Indian hair oil  and,  dirty, spicy, toxic and radioactive Indian farts, in a typical june afternoon with unbearable humidity and heat then, he wants to get out of that messy and chaotic hell. The common man has very common existence marked with a nagging wife who has completely lost interest in all kinds of romance and simple desires like sending  his son Nayan to Jhamaklaal engineering college. For a simple transfer he has to bribe the whole army of pan-chewing clerks in the ministry. In such a scenario he wants release, a vent to the virtual reality of pure bliss and pleasure. Similarly, in villages, dried parched lands, mosquitoes, open drains and sewers make life dull, dreary and dead. On top of it one has the huge army of relatives to feed. This social milieu makes one long for the pathways and vents to alternate realities.


 Besides, when the millions are residing with diverse faiths, cultures and religious traditions the fault lines are bound to exist and conflicts are in the DNA of that society. The turbulence and frictions are inherent in the historical-cultural making of that society and nation. In such a scenario the vents and safety-valves are immensely important social and political assets. They become extremely important to manage the conflicts and frustration. Once the right fault lines are identified, it becomes even easier to place and institutionalize such vents. These vents release the anger and frustration with state of affairs and in turn give you a sedating opium of hopes and dreams, the dreams of happiness in some distant or near future. These vents are provided by bollywood ,babas and the balls. These pathways are like shock absorbers and safety valves.


Religion has always acted as a shock–releasing safety valve in different societies. In Hindu society,  it has always promised a future utopia through rebirth. Even the traditional scriptures like smritis(hindu law books) specifically mention that the most important duty of the king is to maintain Varnshrama Dharma( cosmic order of keeping all the classes in their place in social hierarchy i.e. keep status quo). Today babas like Asharam ji and Nirmal ji are doing the same thing. The common people who find getting success thorugh hard work an unpromising ideal, seek a refuge in the magical powers of Nirmal babas. With the globalization and advent of money as supreme ideal, people’s anxiety and restlessness for quick success has increased multifold. And with that, the number of babas, their Mercedes benzes and socio-political clout. In fact I have personally observed that religiosity in my grandfather’s time was very different. They did not believe in short-term success and miracles performed by babas. They believed in penance. Their ideals were renunciation, abstinence and spiritual upliftment . While the present day babas assure you material success and prosperity and spiritual consultancy to make it big in life. Hence, the young technocrats, politicians and merchants are approaching babas in large numbers.


Similarly, bollywood is also a vent. In a middle-class life marked by a 3-room apartment, a boring wife whose only interest is in cursing her daughter and bitching about neighbour’s daughter for her alleged affairs, Katrina Kaif(pretty Indian actress) in her swimsuit is a blissful trance. Some people go a step further and run away from homes to become Amitabh Bachchan and Shahrukh khan. I never saw anyone succeeding but saw a good number ending up in brothels, escort services, slums, crime world and rehabilitation centers.  Same is the case with cricket. With that, there is one other national duty done well. In a country where real nationalism gets always branded as naxalism or Marxism and ends up in a police encounter, cricket provides a good platform to display nationalism and feel nationalist without the risk of annoying the state power.


I feel that these safety-valves are necessary and much needed. When you do not have them, you have naxal violence, rapes, communal frenzy, civil wars, rebellions and a general, broad societal lunacy and bipolar disorder. When you do not install such safety-valves then they automatically arise, following the nature’s dialectics. But they are often of a very poor quality and sometimes devastating like Al quaida, Taliban, jamaat-e-islami, lashkar-e-taiybas. 
Such shock-absorbers are needed for the smooth functioning of any society. British rulers realized the importance of these vents in the Indian subcontinent. So they propped up A.O. Hume, Congress and Mahatma Gandhi. 


Hinduism with all its dances, garbas  (religious dance of Hindus in which girls and boys get a chance to dance and interact)), festivals acts as a great shock-absorber.  In fact it is not just a shock absorber but also a great agent of change. In Indian society all big and successful socio-political movements like namdharis, sanyasi and bhakti movements began as religious reform movements. British rulers could not perceive this elusive and mystic power of Hinduism to bring revolutions. This failure gave rise to Gandhi baba and brought the downfall of British. The shrewd Brahmins of congress knew this secret and they used this wisdom to successfully prevent Anna Hazare from becoming Anna baba.


Before I conclude my story, it deserves mention that these religions can be very dangerous as shock-absorbers. It is like riding on a tiger. They could boomerang on you anytime. This has happened with Sikhism and Islam. Initially they promise respite and relief from the exiting sorrows and then they charge you the tremendous power of faith which is blind and if that power is not channelized that steam gets dissipated in different direction causing a lot of mayhem. We can see that in the form of muslim league(it created Pakistan), lashkars and jamaats, killing of shias etc. So, religion itself needs to be regulated in terms of its structure and ritualistic set-up. It is beyond the scope of this article to delve into those waters of religion.


To conclude I will say that the Indian subcontinent is primarily a spirit existing on the spiritual strength which, unlike material existence, keeps getting rejuvenated and repressed. Hence, there is no reason for gloom. Some radical, revolutionary messenger following the footsteps of Nizammidin auliya, Birsa Munda, kabir, raidas, Vivekanand and Gandhi ji will come in a spiritual and saintly disguise claiming or at least rumored to be ordained with supernatural powers and mobilize the teeming millions of India and will create a new reality, from its beginning as  the so-called ‘vent’ or virtual reality.


Is not all this sounding like a new mystic theory of political philosophy or some kind of elusive magical realism happening around you and I, in our commonplace, humdrum life ?

Payal's Mirage

                                                                     Payal's Mirage



My second story is of a Marwari (a region in the desert state of Rajasthan, India) girl from a Jain community. She stayed in a very remote, small and a old town in the deserts of western Rajasthan. It was an extremely hot place with temperatures soaring as high as 47 degrees in summer. In addition to that the loo winds(hot storms) made life dull, dead and hell until seven in the evening. The town was almost deserted except for a few Marwari merchants who had come home from far-off places like Burma, Chennai, Shilong for a summer visit and a religious function as one of their saints Jin sagar vijay Chandra Suri (his original name was Ghee Chand Badami laal Seth, which literally means a man blessed with butter, moon, wealth and almonds) was doing his chaturmasa( four months of rainy season when Jaina monks are supposed to stay at one place and do penance) in the town. He actually looked like butter as his fingers were so thick and juicy, as if about to drop butter if squeezed. Besides them, there were a few tea shops which sold excellent, smoking-hot ginger tea and burning samosas(Indian dumplings), dripping with groundnut oil and full of killer, petty green chilies, and jalebi(Indian sweet) made in desi ghee(clarified butter) dripping with chashni(melted sugar). I must say that one needed very high level of motivation and balls to have all that stuff in 47 degree.

The girl’s name was Payal and her father, Seth Walchand Bhool chand Jain owned a dry-fruit shop in Bombay( it was Bombay in those days) . He was known as Kaju seth as he sold cashews but, his real business was hawala money transfer (money laundering). He looked an uneducated, humble and an harmless innocent villager who would regale you with his short l stories about the local merchants, dacoits, sub-divisional magistrates and petty politicians. He was an extremely miser person, although he had made millions in hawala. His only hobby was to sit in the village chaupal, smoke bidis with tea and talk about politics. He also liked pelting stones at emaciated mongrels, if they visited his house for food. Payal had a rich and privileged upbringing with all the facilities and modern gadgets. They owned a Sony television in those days when Indian economy was closed and they also had a VCR and an ambassador car. But the culture in the family was very orthodox. The programs she could watch were a few religious serials and chants with her grandparents. Her grandfather was another dictator who ruled the house with his strict dictates. He also made a lot of money in smuggling opium into Pakistan, but now had turned very religious and fasted ten days in a month. He did not even eat onions and garlic and was always found in the company of Jin Sagar suri ji. But, still he preferred lending money on interest and extracting the last penny from the debtor, even if that involved some metaphysical manipulation of accounts. The girls in that family were married at the age of 18-19 to other boring, dry merchants who had no interest in arts and romance. The family members had dinner before 5 in the evening and the females never went to any parties except a few religious gatherings or costly weddings.


In those days , the movie ‘Quayamat se quayamat tak’ had released. It was a big hit and its actors Amir Khan and Juhi chawla became symbols of love overnight. The girls wanted an Amir khan as their life partner. Payal, like other girls of her age got enamored with that movie. That movie offered a completely different reality to her. It offered a vent, a balcony where she could play with her dreams, naughty desires, her wild self, suppressed lust and desire for physical satiation. She was mentally in a different world. She was living in the world of parallel universes and alternate realities. 



Normally, such fictitious mental worlds never came out in real life but she could not limit herself and fell in love with a local middle-aged muslim auto rickshaw driver known as Farukh, who looked a bit  like Amir Khan and did some cheap romantic poetry. She thought of herself as Juhi chawla and Farukh as Amir khan. After that, began endless hours of wild actions, loaded with lust and passion.  Finally, she eloped with Farukh. The episode almost generated a communal frenzy. Finally, the girl’s father Walchand Bhoolchand ji got her back by bribing the local police officer and immediately married her to Seth Ghevar Chand in Bangalore.


Now, she is the mother of four sons and one daughter. Her daughter got married last year to seth Magan laal, with lots of difficulties, as she had fallen in love with a guitarist who worked in film industry. Farukh miyan is still driving rickshaw in that town and goes to railway station to pick Walchand Bhoolchand ji whenever he comes to his village. He still indulges in his cheap shayri but he is past his prime and no more looks like Amir khan. He is planning to go to Haj but he is having a hard time as his sons do not speak to him .His sons have fallen in love, not with some Payal but with a new and foreign breed of Islam called wahabism. Farukh is very upset with this new bitch called wahabism.






My third story is in the next post………………….

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Bollywood, Babaji and the Balls

                                             Bollywood,  Babaji and the Balls




India, my motherland is a land of dreams and stories. In every nook and corner one can find stories. The stories that begin with people like you and I, move on with emotions, faith, sex, lust, politics, crime and tragedy and, continue endlessly, thriving and sustaining on the hopes and dreams of happy ending. These inherently beginningless and endless stories are also as mystical as my country, but they always provide a good fodder for different scribes of sorts. In this series of articles I am going to tell you three different stories. My first story is of the political, commercial and corporate styled babas and their quick-fix solutions.


In May, 2012 I was in my home city Udaipur. Like every year, it was terribly hot. Often, it was extremely difficult to go out until seven in the evening. We had lazy and sleepy afternoons. I would often have my late lunch around 2:30 in the noon with a tumbler of buttermilk, which made the afternoons even more seductive and rendered me incapable of doing any productive work except enjoying long sleeping siestas for hours. While having lunch, I would watch our news hungry primetime channels. Often, at that time, there was no substantial political news or any crime news so they would telecast a program on the babas of India, who promised short term solutions to all your miseries. One such show was of Peermal baba which used to start exactly at my lunch time and ended at three. It was called Peermal durbar. It was a court of a guy, who claimed to have spiritual and supernatural powers. He would come in his signature yellow colored, silk-kurta pyjama and sprawl on a big chair which resembled the peacock throne of Shah Jahan( Quite possibly, he stole peacock throne from British queen, through his supernatural gifts !!!). Most of the people including my over-religious uncle found a very radiant and holy smile on his face. I always thought that he was having lots of red wine and cherries. For a moment, even I tried to search some holiness, but I ended up getting a glimpse of local construction tycoon with all the powerful connections and the signature smile of ‘ruthless power’ after one is down with four drinks of Johnny walker.


In one of his courts, there was a young student, Nayan, who had come for seeking Babaji’s blessings. His dad’s worry was that the child never prayed, studied, and was passionately into football and girls. It was a very crucial year for Nayan as he had to write his grade 10th exam viz. board examinations. Having looked at the child, I felt that the poor lad had hardly steeped out of the house and was too scared of his ‘wise’ elders. His father got up and narrated his sorrows and a burning desire to get the son admitted in the best engineering college. He cried in supplication, as if that would multiply the force of his prayers, and conclusively said that if his son did not get into the Jhamaklaal Badamilaal Engineering College, his motivation for a happy life would end, as no one would ever marry his son. Babaji also loved it when their devotees cried in front of the camera. After a while the boy also cried saying that he could not concentrate and whenever he tried his would get perturbed by the evil thoughts of soccer balls and women. Then Babaji made a serious face as if a diplomat would do before breaking the ice in WTO talks or saving the world from a nuclear crisis. After a while he asked, “Do you wear chappals(slippers) ?” .The father and boy replied, “Jee babaji( yes my lord)” . Then he asked the brand of the chappals to which the father-son duo replied, “Hawai”. Babaji made an angry face as if the duo had violated some cosmic law and he roared, “Why don’t you wear lakhani(a brand of slippers) chappals?” The confidence with which he said simply showed that he had the key to all the problems of the world including the crisis in middle-east and Kashmir. He said that they should wear ‘lakhani’ and the boy will be fine in no time. The duo again cried while giving thanks to babaji.  In that auditorium, there were about 20,000 people and most of them looked decently educated. In one of his courts, Babaji suggested a middle-aged scientist, whose daughter had eloped with a muslim rickshaw driver, to offer a hen at a local Durga temple.


One day, my over religious uncle (he wants all the eight siddhis (powers) and nine types of nidhis or wealth mentioned in Hindu mythology). He offered me to introduce me to his guru and get his prasaad(holy food at the ashram) and blessings. His guru had come to his house. He claimed to have thrown Sonia Gandhi out of his ashram and initiated the dialogue with Mujahiddin groups in Kashmir. The babaji had been ordained with the tile of peace ambassador by United Nations. My uncle was to participate in a ritual called ‘padya pooja’(worshipping the feet of the guru) . He washed his feet with milk, butter, honey and chandan and then offered 25,000 rupees in dakshina (offering made by a devotee) then babaji made an unpleasant face and gave him an earful, asking for another 25,000. The rationale he gave was even more interesting. He said that his right foot had the blessings of lord Ganesh(elephant god) and the left one had the blessings of lord Shiva(god of destruction)  so he should not displease any of them. My uncle, who is a headmaster in the local school, was overwhelmed and felt the presence of lord Shiva and Ganesh. Finally he offered 25,000 rupees and got the blessings of the lords. In the evening we went to meet babaji and have a cup of tea with him. Babaji was busy arranging all the mangoes, oranges, laddus which he got. He made separate boxes of the dry fruits, sandalwood sweets and dhotis.  He kept the cash offerings in a separate box and then with due care and safety dispatched all those boxes to his ashram. He then took a deep sigh and had a cup of tea and declared that lord shiva was very happy with the devotees. Lord shiva had accepted all the offerings. Next day his devotees sent him back in a business class air ticket. Babaji promised to come back soon. That one trip’s cost roughly amounted to 5 lakhs.  Next day, my uncle got the real blessing. He rammed his motor cycle in cow shed and broke his leg. Even then he said that he was saved from a bigger injury by babaji’s kripa.


After few days, I heard that Peermal baba was caught in a sting operation and, all his wealth and assets were made public. The news channels launched a diatribe against him. People cursed him like hell. Then I came to U.S. I thought that people must have realized their foolishness and forgotten babaji and his hen and chappal solutions but to my utter surprise, I found that he was back on the news channels and people were again crying in supplications, ,with the same vigor and same desires like  admission in Jhamaklaal engineering college or getting an MLA(local assembly member) ticket with BJP(one of the political party). His devotees said that he came out scot-free because of his super-natural powers and he was back with the same silk kurta, pyjama and peacock throne.


Hope you liked the story.  My other two stories are in the next posts. I will post them tomorrow. Please read them and in the final one real story will come out. That is the story of me, you, the society we live in and the nation we have made.